..........

I just really don't understand why "friends" feel like they can't talk to me. I don't understand why they can't be real about what's going on in their lives. Friendships that I have established over the past few years have been very unlike this one. How can this friendship go from 0 to 60 back to 0. What kind of engine is in this thing?

Just say you've been lacking as my friend because you've put yourself back in a situation you swore you never wanted to encounter again.



I could confess that you're not enough
And that with others you must share
But when I reach for you at night
I know you wouldn't be there

I could reveal all my faults to you
The darkest corners of my heart
But would you praise me for my honesty
Or would you depart?

I don't know where I should be
This game we play is killing me
She's all that I could dream
But she tears me apart

She wants me to fill her needs
She begs for authenticity
You don't want truth from me
You just want what you want

If you could see into the future, love
And all the hell we have in store
Would you agree to sail with me?
Or just remain on the shore?

You ask me for the whole truth
But for that you're not prepared
Refuse to be your enemy
Your fantasies I will spare

: As the good friend that I am....I guess all I can say is Good Luck....again ::

N*

I'm happy

It's crazy....but I am finally happy.

Or am I finally destressed?

I don't know what it is, but it feels amazing.

I am constantly thinking about words,

Which wasn't really happening when I was in school.

This is my last semester in school,

I couldn't be happier about that.

I'll be in Philly and New York in a couple of days.

So excited to travel with Alex and see my wife, Earl, and Millie.

I'm being romanced and I love it.

I'm happy.

N*

Conversations between us.

It's unfortunate, but there is a lot of baby mama drama in the family. It's stressful on all of us and especially necessary to the babies that are involved and always seem to be stuck in the middle. My mother always commends me and Earry for not having babies at a young age and continue to glorify us for staying on the baby-less path. I became a god-mother at the age of 16....literally the day I was taking my ACT, my god-daughter was being born. I circled random answers just so I could leave and go to the hospital. Still ended up getting a 28. Kennedy Ja'lyn is an amazing little girl.

I know that my mommy wants grandchildren in her life that she knows came from me or my brother and a trustworthy mate. I think that's the dream of every parent. My mom said she doesn't care if I adopt or steal a baby....as long as he or she belongs to me, she's good. I know she's just kidding, but I know what she's feeling. To be in this back and forth drama between a child and their 13 million baby mamas is ridiculous.

I asked my mommy what would happen it I decided to pursue a relationship with a woman and adopted a child. In a nut shell, she said that she wouldn't want to know if I began a relationship with a woman, didn't want to know if I was gay. I kept pushing the issue, trying to get deeper into why she wouldn't want to know who her daugther was involved with. She explained that certain things are meant to be my business. There are things in my life that are currently going on that she does not know about and does not want to know about because she respects me as an individual.

Even though it kinda sucks that I can't tell my mother everything about me, I do respect the fact that she wants me to be whoever I am and not have to worry about being judged or disrespected even if it's by her. I love my mother and I know she will love me always and forever. And it one day I do decide to pursue a relationship with a woman (or a man), I ask that everyone in my life respect that bond that my mother and I have. I ask that you respect her wishes not to know. I ask that you let me live my live and not feel the need to go around and tell my mother everything that I do. She did a magnificent job raising me to be me.

N*

One step from death

I think I'm dying
You took the life out of me
All my breath
All my energy
The functions of my organs no longer in synergy
I think I'm dying
Little white lights become larger
I can see them in distance
They appear to be getting closer
The urgency of my life is now over.
Before I take my last breath,
Let me write this letter.
Fixing my final will and testament to make it a little better.
To you I leave everything.
All I ask is that you let me keep the ring
The one you gave to symbolize our love
Our dreams
Our future
In you I am in awe of
All that I ask is that you confess
To all your crimes
The cruel acts forever stuck in my mind
Tell them you sucked the life out of me
Circled your tongue around all my fixtures
Assuring me a lifetime guarantee
Tell them you kissed me and my breath was taken away
I could not attempt to speak
You were the master, my job was to obey
Tell them you swept me off my feet
Causing me to free fall to a sacred place down deep
Tell them I trusted you
And you gave me everything I wanted and more.
Tell them you killed me with your kindness
Every promise fulfilled because you swore
I think I'm dying
And I need to thank you
You revitalized me
Then you made love to me
You set me free
My life is now complete

N*

I hiccup.

It was with you that I realized the power of words
Swirling through my mind was the thought of your words landing on the lunar surface of my soul
Our bodies completing an eclipse.
The words you spoke were made tangible
I felt them.
Smoother than silk
Airy.
Lighter than your skintone
Heavy.
Thicker than your thighs.
Provoked every sensual thought in my mind
Caressing your front
Kissing you from behind
I'm not oversexual, but I can make a nun come
Never be confused
This is no part of a mental conundrum.
Your words created a straight and narrow path showing me where you were coming from.
I'm going to trust you and your words
You seem to be partners in crime
Saving me infinitely from a life with no value, lack of thought, and wasted time.
Ever affected by your tag team duo
I hope you're thinking of things we can.....
You know.
I want make love on a bed of words
Unlike roses that wilt and eventually die
Your words give me an everlasting supply
Of oxygen......
More than breath
They create depth
I tell you to dig deep when we make love
Each inch you continue to give
Makes me intoxicated with words
I hiccup.

N*

I had something to post.....but I forgot what it was.

N*

Every morning

Every morning I wake and say/think 'Sun Salutations'. This is for the sun.

I can only salute the sun so many times before I feel like I deserve a permanant place in the celestial army.
More than the general,
the sun is like the creator.
Realizing and understanding our needs for rays.
The vitamin D you provide is more than a need, more like necessity.
More than necessity, more like a want.
More than a want, more like an understanding.
A balance.
Just as much as I need the sun,
it needs me too.
It appreciate my salutes.
As a solider in the suns' army,
I follow orders.
As a solider in the suns' army,
General, I salute you.

N*

10 days.....

Until New York.

N*

This weekend.

Is going to be amazing.

We're having the office Christmas party tonight. Let me tell you....there's nothing funnier than old, southern lawyers. Funny is not even the word to describe how it's going to be. They all just get so.....so.....so.....loose!!!!!! My date will be Felicia. Kristen's date will be JT. Food, wine, and desert. GOOD times!!! Then I'm going to hang with Jon at this freaking ahhhh-mazing home that his friend owns. I swear this home does NOT belong in Montgomery. You know I'm not easily impresses. But it's just amazing. I'll snap some shots.

Tomorrow afternoon we are having shindig for Felicia's going away. I'm really sad that she's leaving. We all just got so cool and now she's biting the dust. But I'm excited for her. I know she will be good in LA. And most importantly, she's leaving her puppy Beau behind. I'm going to be a god-mommy again. I love Beau. Disclaimer to Felicia: I will be getting him neutered.

Sunday: I'm just going to create. Simple as that.

N*

It was so exciting

I was driving today

And words came to me.

N*

FINALLYYYYYY

I have one more final left.

I  plan on drinking until my tummy hurts.

:-)

12/13/10

The truth is that I've been so uninspired lately. Not because I don't surround myself with beautiful people or wonderful things. I believe that my lack of inspiration is coming from within. I've been so busy on trying to become focused again. Focused on finishing the semester, focused on leaving Montgomery, focused on not being angry and bitter, focused on my family's happiness, focused on not spending so much money on things I don't need, focused on maintaining a sense of sanity in my society, focused on resting, which something I need the most. I can still knock out photoshoots with ease, but I'm missing something. I'm missing my inspiration.

It's funny because when you're inspiration one day gets up and leaves, it triggers a domino effect. All creative processes in my world are hibernating. I don't want to sound like I am depressed or sad and sappy. Right now, I'm just not myself.

*

I create

I create....that's what I do. You can call me the creator if you'd like. When I do photoshoots, I don't think many people really know what I am doing or what I'm trying to accomplish. My work is not for Facebook or Twitter. It's for my use....my portfolio....my future. I'm very serious about the time and energy I put into my craft. Of course, I can always devote more time, but life happens every single day. When I have spare seconds in life, I create my fantasy.

I thank every god and every deity for family and friends that encourage and respect my creative freedom. I pray for creative inhibitions. I thank everyone that was very supported me without even seeing my work. It means a lot to me that you are able to know me and my abilities in an untanglible nature. I thank you. I pray for creative freedoms for all.

*

Ode to being put on the back burner

Sometimes when I get put on the back burner, I listen to this song.

*

Lately

It's weird really
Time is moving so fast
It's moving at a pace that I can't keep up with
It moves so fast that I forget to
Think
Reflect
Eat
Write
Ponder
and Wonder

And the fact that I've been sick hasn't helped at all
Everyday I wake up coughing
And go to sleep blowing my nose.

Honestly I really don't have anything to say
The mucus and congestion are clouding my thoughts
Maybe tomorrow I will have some inspiration to
Write
Think
Eat
Ponder
or Wonder.

*

Today

I haven't been on here in a week.
 
WHOAAA!!!!

I've really been concentrating on other things. My fam came in town and I loved every second of it. The time just went by toooooo fast. But I will see them again for NYE! Oh...let me correct myself....NY for NYE!!! Woot Woot

Black/White nautical striped shirt
Gap cardigan
Electric Blue knee length skirt
Deena & Ozzie Black wedges
(And my hair is still straight).

Until soon,
*

Today.....

Black wrap dress
Gray riding boots from Asos
Gray and Khaki cashmere sweater from the Gap
Prostitute Pink nail polish by NYC

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY is a special day.
My roomies b-day
I love her soooooo.
She's awesome, but crazy
But growing.
She's helped me so many times,
I can't even count.
I'm going to miss her when she leaves
I love her soooooo.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm tired.
Happy about the makeup I did last night at the photoshoot.
Made some money.
My mommy and brother will be here in a couple of hours
I'm about to piss on myself with excitement.
This is going to be a great week.

*

P.S. I'm praying for my god-daddy. He had a stroke last night. Reminder: I need to call Adam.

I Said......

I LOVE CEE-LO.

HE SHOULD BE A PROFESSOR

OR A DEITY.

*

There's a difference......

SELL
1. to transfer (goods) to or render (services) for another in exchange for money; dispose of to a purchaser for a price.
2. to deal in; keep or offer for sale.
3. to make a sale or offer for sale to.
4. to persuade or induce (someone) to buy something.

SALE
1. the act of selling.
2. a quantity sold.
3. opportunity to sell; demand: slow sale.
4. a special disposal of goods, as at reduced prices.

*

Got on.....

I've been put on by someone that I put on. So I'm on!!!



Thanks and You're Welcome!

*

Show me where it's hiding......

Show me where it's hiding
I was along the millions
pressing 95555
Compelled to do my part
Assisting in the providing
I've seen this place
Before and after
Forgetting it was devastated by a natural disaster
Excuse me for blaming you, you, and YOU
Lying through your teeth
Proclaiming things are done that you can't do
Unable to complete
Raising money just helped you compete
in Mr. and Mrs. Thief 2010
On our TV screens begging 10 minutes after the earthquake began.
Pleading for the people to react
Getting your greedy hands ready to snatch
All the rupees, the euro, dinero
Touche my fellow
Sitting cool and mellow
Forgetting who's underground
Those people scream for help
And you're no where to be found.
Who's helping Haiti?!
Who's helping the babies?!
The Francois' need help
Where is Toussaint when you need him?
Rescue workers surrounding the children
But can't feed them.
I see you.
Can you see me?
Can you fear me?
I'm coming to get it
Make a permanent withdrawal
Coming to reclaim my shit
As I sit
In this chair
Thousands of miles away
Contemplating back and forth of what I could say.
'SHOW ME WHERE IT'S HIDING!"
Our money was to be used for the purpose of providing
Sighing
Damn near crying
Not understanding why
Then......
I remember the award you won
Mr. and Mrs. Thief 2010
In all of your pageantry
Who's helping Haiti?!
Who's helping these babies?!

*

Deep Fried Frenz

FRIENDS
.....as YOU call em
They call you when they need something
Trees for the bluntin'
to
G's for the frontin'
I found a way to get PEACE of mind for years and left the hell alone
Turn a deaf ear to the cellular phone
Send me a letter, or BETTER,
We could see each other in real life
Just so you can feel me like a steel KNIFE

-mf doom-
*

Lately.....

- I haven't really wanted to hear any new music. I don't know why. I like my old, raggedy playlists. Try me next week though.

- I've been in a real MF Doom sort of mood.

- I've had the strongest urge to straighten my hair. (only a couple of more days)

- I've been missing my mommy and my brother (so happy we talked about our issues AND he apologized).

- I've been realizing that no one can shop for me. I don't have "a look" or "style". I dress like a homo-boy-farmer-southern belle-skateboarder-Blood-Crypt-Daniel Boon-pageant queen-fashion show producer-makeup whore-starving artist-lady. And I love polka dots and stripes.....together!

- I've been cool with my ex. It's nice. We understand each other. Drama and all.

- I've been really jealous and craving attention (a real woman can admit things such as this).

- I've been wanting to color my hair.

- I really want to make out like tomorrow is IT!

- I really want to remove a tattoo. Never have felt this way before, but this particular one is not what I envision when I see myself in my dreams.

- I've wanted to go away.....even to Chicago...if only for a couple of days.

- The girlies are considering NY for NYE! Delicious times

- I've been talking to mommy about possible career opportunities.

- I've been wanting to get another job. I don't feel productive if I'm not super busy. Busy fits me.

- I've been working out with Kristen and Felicia. Right and tight for the fall. I'm trying to pop out my turtleneck.

- Lately, I've been wanting to tell you again....that I miss you.

*

I need.....

I need some new ink.

Inspiration.

*

....Biological Anthropology....

We spent time in the Archaeology lab today. I felt like a kid in the candy store. There were skeletal remains of 2 bodies laid out for us. Both about 200 years old. I was FILLED with excitement.

Most of you will never know the feeling of being able to touch history like that. It's not a book, you can't read it and automatically know who, what, when, where, and why. These bones are amazing! I touch them and I feel an instant connection to whomever they belong to. My job as anthropologist and archaeologist is to find out who this person really is and how they ended up here.

In skeletal remains, I can figure out if you were abused, or if you were a man or woman, hunter, or gather, or a young child born with a disorder, or if you broke your arm, or didn't eat enough vegetables, or drank unfiltered water (or sometimes I can even determine their "race" but it's getting harder with the amount of multi-race reproduction). Can you even imagine that?

I'm still even surprised at myself for taking on this career path. One that I definitely plan on utilizing later in life. Right now, I want to be in brand marketing and fashion show production/makeup artistry, but I can't even explain the power I feel when I see bones. Power, but uncertainity....because regardless of what my schooling has taught me, this is still someone's core. Someone's structure. Someone's history. Someone's malnutrituion. Someone's accident. I have to decipher everything. It's a scary but inviting thought.

'Globalization of Genes'

'Race is soft tissue, not hard bones.'

'Race is becoming self-identify. Cultural.'

*

Cataloging.......

Just something I wrote recently. I was inspired for a second. Too bad it didn't last.

Glance into (in two) worlds

When you go to sleep,
What do you think about?
Dream about?
In your fantasy world,
what do you live without?
Is pain and strife nonexistent?
Is it a world where you are hardly ever timid?
Unafraid of yourself
Your possibilities
Your destinies
In my fantasy world, you are one of the rulers
Measuring me up,
Dictating the terms of my love.
Your charisma and powers is something I could have never dreamed of.
As we lay in my bed,
preparing ourselves to enter our domains' imaginary,
I only have one request for now.
I ask that we fall asleep with our lips touching so our souls can converse through the night.
Fully sharing thoughts and memories without rations.
Making the rules and breaking the rules of our passion.
Continuously lighting our flame
For every time we ignite,
my fantasy world comes to light.

*

Ahhhh.....Birthdays

I want to wish my honey a Happy 21st Birthday.

                          CLIFF FRAZIER                       

The only man in this world that actually WANTS to have babies with me!

What an idiot.

I kid.

*Kisses*

We would make some spectacular babies though.

*



You need to....

Well....I need to step back and just be a friend.

*

Today

I'm reading.

The Blacker The Berry.......

Already amazing.

First couple of pages in.

*

Going strong

So I've been blogging for a entire month now....and I'm feeling good about it. I haven't posted as many things as I've wanted to. As much as I wanted to make this blog....I still find comfort in my thoughts remaining in my mind.

Also....a very happy birthday to my niece TIARA SASHA. I love her soooooo. She's in college now which makes me feel order than that thang, but I'm so proud of her. She's shy, and sweet, and charming. She's an amazing little lady. Once again, I feel bad for not being around, but she's going to excel as a person regardless of where I am. She knows that I am proud and grateful.

*

Ahhhh..........

*

The sayings of real men......

Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery.
Malcolm X


Any dictator would admire the uniformity and obedience of the U.S. media.
Noam Chomsky


The revolution has always been in the hands of the young. The young always inherit the revolution.
Huey Newton


I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it's for or against.
Malcolm X


Change means movement. Movement means friction. Only in the frictionless vacuum of a nonexistent abstract world can movement or change occur without that abrasive friction of conflict.
Saul Alinsky


A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
Saul Alinsky


Let me just say: Peace to you, if you're willing to fight for it.
Fred Hampton


The talk of winning our share is not the easy one of disengagement and flight, but the hard one of work, of short as well as long jumps, of disappointments, and of sweet success.
Roy Wilkins


The pray for the day when beautiful Black and Brown men truly know and feel their power. The power in their thoughts, in their voices, in their bodies, in the souls. Too often they are under appreciated, devalued, disrespected, and misrepresented. Not only is media doing this, not only is technology perpetuating this, but we as Black and Brown women are telling them this and treating them accordingly. How selfish have we become? How rude can we be? How come we are not supportive? How come we don't encourage? How much longer can we sit around and let our men disintegrate?


Beautiful Black men around the world, I adore you.


*

She said.......

"I'm trying to find peace in the solitude of not belonging."

*

Black Girls ROCK!!!

I'm not a big fan of BET.....I don't think many people are. Over recent years, their programming has been subpar, award shows have been under produced and messy, and I don't think they have shed light enough on the positives of the Black/Brown community. Most of the time when I hear people complain about BET, they are referring to programming that reflects our African American community as 'ghetto' and worthy of being disrespected. People need to realize that there is a majority of the population that relates wholeheartedly to the faces and activities they see on BET. Many people live in the ghetto and deal with circumstances much worse than the FCC will allow to be shown on television. There is definitely an strong dichotomy when considering the impact television has on communities and the perceptions actually felt by these communities.

But I must say....there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My weekend has been filled with art, culture, good people, and inspiration. Thank the heavens that my weekend got the last jolt of energy from Black Girls ROCK, an event/awards shows featured on BET on Sunday night. I don't think I have enough words in my vocabulary to express how happy and proud and astounded and humbled and energized and amazed and inspired and motivated I was while watching the telecast. The production was amazing! The set design was breathtaking. The presenters looked beautiful. The women that were honored were powerful and definitely reassured and rewarded for their magnificence. It was amazing! I even cried (geez....I'm a creepy/sappy lame). And best of all.....Ruby Dee was honored. Good googly moogly I love that woman. She is just so elegant and graceful. You would have thought her shoes were made in the heavens the way she floats. She is an inspiration to me and sooooooo beautiful. She reminded people that fighting for what's right is a responsibility. It's our duty. It's what we're supposed to be doing.

In this world, I wish she had more power to command the masses. Sometimes I just feel sad for the society we live in. Instead of being led by powerful women and men, we are driods manipulated by technology and greed. We are lacking wisdom in our society. We are lacking family structure. We are DEFINITELY lacking peace and serenity. We are just......lacking. I pray that everyone gains some type of compassion and calmness in their lives. I pray for that.

*

Cataloging

These poems are old....but I need to keep a record of them. That's what this blog is for.
                                                                                                            
Contact Lenses.....

Even though life happens
Our times are sometimes saddened
Common goals are to be happy
in a safe space
Mentally at the moemnt
I'm waiting for atonement
From my mistakes...mishaps...and misery
My only regret is not my actions
per say
But more the people affected by my ways
Even more I am continously affected by what you say
My eyes have been green for days.
                                                                                                                             
THE ART OF.......

From the twilight
to the moonlight
Beaming down through
the clouds
Around the atmosphere
and settling on my window pane
It's such a shame
Wish it could only reach just a little
more
Just enough to scorch my
flesh
The incandescence of my skin
mutes the fire within
Going against all of my peaceful nature
I yearn for intensity
Even infidelity
Cheating on my thoughts with fantasies of you
In my mind the halograms
of your skin come into view
Just teach me
I could read you
Pause as I put away Sun Tzu.

*

Right Now......

Sitting in the living room
Taking a break from drinking water
I'm trying to drink the recommended 8 glasses a day
:-/
I have on my awesome Hello Kitty robe
Thigh hi blue and silver socks
Smelling my feet

This is my Saturday night.

*

Adore....

I just LOVEEEE this song!



*

Today

Vintage black patent leather men's dress shoes
Charcoal gray Gap corduroy trousers
Silk black tank with pocket detail
Charcoal gray and oatmeal Gap cashmere sweater
Braids like Exhibit.

*

Tall is tall.

Right now

You surely do something to me
But right now
It's not good baby.

*

Junk Mail

I've been MIA lately. Trying to milk this birthday thing until it is DRY!!!!!!!!!! But I'm done with all of that now. Need to get back on my grind. Just like I should be.

This post might be kind of long.

I need to clean out some of words, thoughts, memories, and times in my phone and notebook. Since I'm 24 now ( =D ) I figured I would slightly start anew. Just for my own old sake.

Most of this stuff is unfinished and unorganized; however, they are my thoughts so they are always valid.

Projects don't equal progress like the polygon that demands you to halt.
It's not my fault.


I watch Penguins of Madagascar
Not able to camouflage the scar
that was left behind
How can you forget about
someone that quick?
Like I didn't even matter
But what makes me so much sadder,
The fact that I don't think you continue to care
Never enough to share
Your true feelings
Answers without the precedence of questions
My quest has been to be happy
and loved throughout your soul.
I must be half the woman she is,
Because she got the whole you
Able to hold you
The way I wanted to
Needed too

'I drink poison
Then
I vomit diamonds.'

Ok....my phone is acting janky now. Of course. I might post some later....never....who knows. Once again, this is just miscellaneous words, thoughts, aspects of life.

I still feel certain things.....unfortunately....I'm becoming numb.

*

Oct. 29th, 2010

Later I will write something about my life....my birthday....all that good stuff. But for now, I just want to leave you with a saying from one of my favorite philosophers, D'Angelo. This statement will give me the motivation for the rest of my days.

FUCK THE SLICE, WE WANT THE PIE!

Happy Birthday to me.

*

Oct. 28th 2010

We are a spectacular.....splendid manifestation of life.

Word of the Day

Retrospect

1. contemplation of the past; a survey of past time, events, etc.

–verb (used without object)

2. to look back in thought; refer back (often fol. by to ).

–verb (used with object)

3. to look back upon; contemplate retrospectively.

—Idiom

4. in retrospect, in looking back on past events; upon reflection.

 

In retrospect, I think I have lived an amazing 24 years.

 

in other news, my birthday is tomorrow.

Hells yes!!!

 

*

The broken ones

I'm inspired by so many things
Shiny rings
Soulful beings
Entrapped in a land of gray and black
I volunteer myself to be the spark
that makes the people react.
Just my luck this time around
Morale and motivatation are on the decline
Down further than the Earth's mantle
I just don't know how many people can truly handle
Collectivity
Some type of unity
How come we don't already have this,
Are you kidding me?!
So you mean to tell me
Most in the world are care free
Refuse to open their eyes,
afraid of what they might see.
My peeps need to use their peepers
Instead of contemplating on whether it's cheaper
to keep her
Or hoping that this man will help you pay off your Visa
If you just stop and realize
The lessons the elders could teach ya
Raise these babies up so they can be the feature
of the land.
We are the people.
Who's going to save our souls now?
Peace and blessings to Gnarls Barkley
The only art they know are the markings
on the side of buildings
Anyone creative......
They marked me
Hunt us down like a sharp shooter
We must shoot off our knowledge to school her
and him
and them
Even the lost ones
The forgotten ones
The broken ones.

*

Reincarnation

I believe she is a reincarnation of Phyllis Hyman. I know she is.

*

What's going on with me

Welppp.....I'll be 24 on Friday. What thee fuck!?!?! It seems like only yesterday I was in high school.....cheerleading at a basketball game. Time truly does fly. This journey, nonetheless, is fucking amazing!!!!

I do feel a certain way about turning 24. I feel like I have SOOO much more to accomplish in my life. I have experience in so many areas, from makeup to market research. For that, I am extra grateful. But at the same time, I feel like I need to have a real career by now. I need to be living and breathing Urban Anatomy and Culture Couture. Right now.....they are only getting whifs.

BUT.....the promise land approaches. I'll be back in Chicago in May and I couldn't be happier. I've already started looking at apartments. I feel like if I start early, I can get a feel on what type of apartment I would like to live in. I have to live in a condo in Bronzeville. Sorry, but I won't settle for less than that. After leaving in a 3 bedroom condo in Bronzeville at 21, I WILL never downgrade. After renting a condo....my next stop will be buying a house. I mean that's the natural progression of things, right?

I'm working on a poem called Bungalow Blues. I have such strong feelings about Chicago.....after I talk to my family, after reading the newspapers, after going through old pictures....I always have Chicago on my mind. Even though I have started and stopped and started this poem over and over again, I plan on finishing it this week. I want it to be my first full length poem (by full length, I mean at least 2 minutes long). Is that long?

What else???!! Oh....my hair is growing like crazy. I absolutely love it. I should have gotten it straightened this week for my b-day....BUT....it's hot as blue blazin outside and I really don't want to straighten it until November or December. I'm thinking November so I can be bouncin and behavin for Thanksgiving.

I could write like this forever, but I'm going to stay focused and finish some work that I should have been working on last night.

I bid you adieu.

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Tonight

I'm tired. Very tired.

I have so many things that I need to be working on. But I just can't.

Sitting in the living room.

Head FULL of conditioner.

I'll just put in leave-in conditioner. Clearly I'll be wearing a bun tomorrow.

I feel like dreaming tonight.

That's what I shall do.

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Word of the Day

Cyclical

1. cyclic.

2. of or denoting a business or stock whose income, value, or earnings fluctuate widely according to variations in the economy or the cycle of the seasons.

The business of love and life is so cyclical.  Never ending. Infinite.

Heart of the City

I walk the streets
Yearning for the sense of community
Every neighborhood I go to
The spirit of the block enters me
More prevalent than the epidemics
More benevolent than any minister
Every sinister walks through the streets
Lending their steps together
Creating the city's heartbeat
So much graffiti
It ends up feeding me
Culture
Colorful but choking me
Suffocating me like the smoke and smell that comes from the stinch of the torn down buildings
Cabrini Green
Roshonda is Black
Kelly is White
And the divide between them is fast food sign bright
Only one more killer of my people
Not even the highest church steeple can provide salvation
In this nation
My people are disadvantaged
Treated like were savages
This is my culture
These are my streets
My city is always loud
Can't you hear our heartbeat?

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Guilty as charged

I sometimes start things and never finish them. I get spurts of ideas, envisions, inspiration.....I begin to write it down....then it leaves. I started this poem the other day....clearly I didn't finish it. I probably never will. I can't go back to that place mentally and feel the way I felt then. If I resumed the poem, it would have a totally different meaning, setting, direction. I prefer to leave it the way it is.

Think about the travesty that ensued
Never has my mind and body felt so used
Abused
But never mind all of that.
From now on
I will take my strides in twos.
Metaphysically, I have the ability to transorm my feelings into actions
Last name could have been Jackson.
But through the wire like Kanye,
I recall the games that I used to play
With his and her hearts
The money I spent to excite you
The energy I released to entice you
................

-As you can see.....I have no idea what I was talking about. The words were writing themselves. Trying to view their reflection from the screen on my phone. But now, they stopped. The thoughts are gone-

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.....Biological Anthropology.....

Archaeologists have God's eyes.
We see the beginning.....the inception. We decide who and what they were. Then we see them at the end.....in the dirt.

Our subjects can't speak. They speak through their remains.

Society-People.
Culture-Norms and Values.

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Appreciation

I've known B.C. for several years now.

He just thinks he is the most 'cultured' man in existence because he's played ball all over the world for the past couple of years.

Tonight.....I put him on Foreign Exchange.

Maybe our definitions of 'cultured' are different.

But I've done my part.

He loves their music.

I feel like I just helped humanity.

B.C. you are very welcome.

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Don't know what to 'title' this.....

ALL HOMO.
:-)

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Word of the day

Oxymoron

1. A figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness” or “to make haste slowly.”

 

A common misconception is that any set of contradicting words placed together makes an oxymoron; but a phrase or sentence is truly not an oxymoron unless it actually DOES make sense, even if it might not seem to.

 

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The Probability of Success

Research allows me to design a strategy
that will increase my chances of winning you over once again.
Taking more of a risk than if I was playing at the Palms.
You're worth the chances I need to take.
Over the last quarter, our meetings have not been productive,
Our conferences constantly disconnecting.
Leaving me to think that the market is crashing;
The Great Depression is among our relationship
Unless we itemize our portfolio and analyze our transactions.
I bet your 20% of your worth that our interactions have the ability to gain momentum
Get back on track to increase our value.
My dividends have decreased without you.
I need you.

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Recent Inspiration

Amazing shot. I def have some tricks up my sleeve to recreate this.

In other news.....I have been beastin my latest photoshoots. Lately I have had so much inspiration and ideas running through my head. I am really learning my craft and hopefully perfecting it. The photographer that I worked with on Sunday usually uses someone else for his shoots. He told me that he admired my work and didn't know I was so talented. He will DEFINITELY be booking me again. Hopefully I'll become his main artist when he does shoots in Atlanta.

I. Am. Happy!

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.....Marketing Research.....

10/13/10

Mindless images. I don't have to worry about anything.

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Tonight

My husband is dj'ing. So excited.

Nine West 'Heech' wedges
Lux black full skirt
Vintage black belt
Vintage Black/Blue/Red plaid dress worn as tube
Vintage Vogue couture bolero
Vintage jewelry

I might not be the best poet, intellitectual thinker, co-signer, or designer....but I think I can dress pretty well.

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Today

I have to go to traffic school. :-( Got a speeding ticket when I was driving to Chicago for Labor Day. I was pissed, but I had a good time in Chicago so it really didn't matter.

I finally downloaded Authenticity by Foreign Exchange. My shoulders haven't stop their shimmy. I can't wait to see them in concert. Alex and I were talking about it. Hopefully it happens soon. We professed we need some concerting in our lives. Aspappy!!!!

I'm not to good at holding back my feelings. If I feel it, you will be informed (if it involves you, of course). I need to learn to stay in my place, assume my responsibilities, and refrain from wishing things could be different. It is what it is.

But I would be lying if I said I didn't have you in the back of my mind.

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Word of the day

Rehabilitation

1. to restore to a condition of good health, ability to work, or the like.

2. to restore to good condition, operation, or management, as a bankrupt business.

3. to reestablish the good reputation of (a person, one's character or name, etc.).

4. to restore formally to former capacity, standing, rank, rights, or privileges.

The heart needs to undergo intense rehabilitation before it is able to love again.

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