..........

I just really don't understand why "friends" feel like they can't talk to me. I don't understand why they can't be real about what's going on in their lives. Friendships that I have established over the past few years have been very unlike this one. How can this friendship go from 0 to 60 back to 0. What kind of engine is in this thing?

Just say you've been lacking as my friend because you've put yourself back in a situation you swore you never wanted to encounter again.



I could confess that you're not enough
And that with others you must share
But when I reach for you at night
I know you wouldn't be there

I could reveal all my faults to you
The darkest corners of my heart
But would you praise me for my honesty
Or would you depart?

I don't know where I should be
This game we play is killing me
She's all that I could dream
But she tears me apart

She wants me to fill her needs
She begs for authenticity
You don't want truth from me
You just want what you want

If you could see into the future, love
And all the hell we have in store
Would you agree to sail with me?
Or just remain on the shore?

You ask me for the whole truth
But for that you're not prepared
Refuse to be your enemy
Your fantasies I will spare

: As the good friend that I am....I guess all I can say is Good Luck....again ::

N*

I'm happy

It's crazy....but I am finally happy.

Or am I finally destressed?

I don't know what it is, but it feels amazing.

I am constantly thinking about words,

Which wasn't really happening when I was in school.

This is my last semester in school,

I couldn't be happier about that.

I'll be in Philly and New York in a couple of days.

So excited to travel with Alex and see my wife, Earl, and Millie.

I'm being romanced and I love it.

I'm happy.

N*

Conversations between us.

It's unfortunate, but there is a lot of baby mama drama in the family. It's stressful on all of us and especially necessary to the babies that are involved and always seem to be stuck in the middle. My mother always commends me and Earry for not having babies at a young age and continue to glorify us for staying on the baby-less path. I became a god-mother at the age of 16....literally the day I was taking my ACT, my god-daughter was being born. I circled random answers just so I could leave and go to the hospital. Still ended up getting a 28. Kennedy Ja'lyn is an amazing little girl.

I know that my mommy wants grandchildren in her life that she knows came from me or my brother and a trustworthy mate. I think that's the dream of every parent. My mom said she doesn't care if I adopt or steal a baby....as long as he or she belongs to me, she's good. I know she's just kidding, but I know what she's feeling. To be in this back and forth drama between a child and their 13 million baby mamas is ridiculous.

I asked my mommy what would happen it I decided to pursue a relationship with a woman and adopted a child. In a nut shell, she said that she wouldn't want to know if I began a relationship with a woman, didn't want to know if I was gay. I kept pushing the issue, trying to get deeper into why she wouldn't want to know who her daugther was involved with. She explained that certain things are meant to be my business. There are things in my life that are currently going on that she does not know about and does not want to know about because she respects me as an individual.

Even though it kinda sucks that I can't tell my mother everything about me, I do respect the fact that she wants me to be whoever I am and not have to worry about being judged or disrespected even if it's by her. I love my mother and I know she will love me always and forever. And it one day I do decide to pursue a relationship with a woman (or a man), I ask that everyone in my life respect that bond that my mother and I have. I ask that you respect her wishes not to know. I ask that you let me live my live and not feel the need to go around and tell my mother everything that I do. She did a magnificent job raising me to be me.

N*

One step from death

I think I'm dying
You took the life out of me
All my breath
All my energy
The functions of my organs no longer in synergy
I think I'm dying
Little white lights become larger
I can see them in distance
They appear to be getting closer
The urgency of my life is now over.
Before I take my last breath,
Let me write this letter.
Fixing my final will and testament to make it a little better.
To you I leave everything.
All I ask is that you let me keep the ring
The one you gave to symbolize our love
Our dreams
Our future
In you I am in awe of
All that I ask is that you confess
To all your crimes
The cruel acts forever stuck in my mind
Tell them you sucked the life out of me
Circled your tongue around all my fixtures
Assuring me a lifetime guarantee
Tell them you kissed me and my breath was taken away
I could not attempt to speak
You were the master, my job was to obey
Tell them you swept me off my feet
Causing me to free fall to a sacred place down deep
Tell them I trusted you
And you gave me everything I wanted and more.
Tell them you killed me with your kindness
Every promise fulfilled because you swore
I think I'm dying
And I need to thank you
You revitalized me
Then you made love to me
You set me free
My life is now complete

N*

I hiccup.

It was with you that I realized the power of words
Swirling through my mind was the thought of your words landing on the lunar surface of my soul
Our bodies completing an eclipse.
The words you spoke were made tangible
I felt them.
Smoother than silk
Airy.
Lighter than your skintone
Heavy.
Thicker than your thighs.
Provoked every sensual thought in my mind
Caressing your front
Kissing you from behind
I'm not oversexual, but I can make a nun come
Never be confused
This is no part of a mental conundrum.
Your words created a straight and narrow path showing me where you were coming from.
I'm going to trust you and your words
You seem to be partners in crime
Saving me infinitely from a life with no value, lack of thought, and wasted time.
Ever affected by your tag team duo
I hope you're thinking of things we can.....
You know.
I want make love on a bed of words
Unlike roses that wilt and eventually die
Your words give me an everlasting supply
Of oxygen......
More than breath
They create depth
I tell you to dig deep when we make love
Each inch you continue to give
Makes me intoxicated with words
I hiccup.

N*

I had something to post.....but I forgot what it was.

N*

Every morning

Every morning I wake and say/think 'Sun Salutations'. This is for the sun.

I can only salute the sun so many times before I feel like I deserve a permanant place in the celestial army.
More than the general,
the sun is like the creator.
Realizing and understanding our needs for rays.
The vitamin D you provide is more than a need, more like necessity.
More than necessity, more like a want.
More than a want, more like an understanding.
A balance.
Just as much as I need the sun,
it needs me too.
It appreciate my salutes.
As a solider in the suns' army,
I follow orders.
As a solider in the suns' army,
General, I salute you.

N*

10 days.....

Until New York.

N*

This weekend.

Is going to be amazing.

We're having the office Christmas party tonight. Let me tell you....there's nothing funnier than old, southern lawyers. Funny is not even the word to describe how it's going to be. They all just get so.....so.....so.....loose!!!!!! My date will be Felicia. Kristen's date will be JT. Food, wine, and desert. GOOD times!!! Then I'm going to hang with Jon at this freaking ahhhh-mazing home that his friend owns. I swear this home does NOT belong in Montgomery. You know I'm not easily impresses. But it's just amazing. I'll snap some shots.

Tomorrow afternoon we are having shindig for Felicia's going away. I'm really sad that she's leaving. We all just got so cool and now she's biting the dust. But I'm excited for her. I know she will be good in LA. And most importantly, she's leaving her puppy Beau behind. I'm going to be a god-mommy again. I love Beau. Disclaimer to Felicia: I will be getting him neutered.

Sunday: I'm just going to create. Simple as that.

N*

It was so exciting

I was driving today

And words came to me.

N*

FINALLYYYYYY

I have one more final left.

I  plan on drinking until my tummy hurts.

:-)

12/13/10

The truth is that I've been so uninspired lately. Not because I don't surround myself with beautiful people or wonderful things. I believe that my lack of inspiration is coming from within. I've been so busy on trying to become focused again. Focused on finishing the semester, focused on leaving Montgomery, focused on not being angry and bitter, focused on my family's happiness, focused on not spending so much money on things I don't need, focused on maintaining a sense of sanity in my society, focused on resting, which something I need the most. I can still knock out photoshoots with ease, but I'm missing something. I'm missing my inspiration.

It's funny because when you're inspiration one day gets up and leaves, it triggers a domino effect. All creative processes in my world are hibernating. I don't want to sound like I am depressed or sad and sappy. Right now, I'm just not myself.

*

I create

I create....that's what I do. You can call me the creator if you'd like. When I do photoshoots, I don't think many people really know what I am doing or what I'm trying to accomplish. My work is not for Facebook or Twitter. It's for my use....my portfolio....my future. I'm very serious about the time and energy I put into my craft. Of course, I can always devote more time, but life happens every single day. When I have spare seconds in life, I create my fantasy.

I thank every god and every deity for family and friends that encourage and respect my creative freedom. I pray for creative inhibitions. I thank everyone that was very supported me without even seeing my work. It means a lot to me that you are able to know me and my abilities in an untanglible nature. I thank you. I pray for creative freedoms for all.

*

Ode to being put on the back burner

Sometimes when I get put on the back burner, I listen to this song.

*

Lately

It's weird really
Time is moving so fast
It's moving at a pace that I can't keep up with
It moves so fast that I forget to
Think
Reflect
Eat
Write
Ponder
and Wonder

And the fact that I've been sick hasn't helped at all
Everyday I wake up coughing
And go to sleep blowing my nose.

Honestly I really don't have anything to say
The mucus and congestion are clouding my thoughts
Maybe tomorrow I will have some inspiration to
Write
Think
Eat
Ponder
or Wonder.

*